Even If They Don't Ride Horses Anymore

Not Looking Back Any More. Episode 7.

After a while and the sun was almost set amid the purple hues of twilight, Jacob had a question for Betty Lou. “Did you ask Jason not to go fight in the War? I never knew.”

Betty Lou sat back in the porch chair and remembered. “It was very important to him to go. He felt an obligation and I believe he also got caught up in all the hullabaloo and hoopla and bravado of those times. I didn’t want him to go. We were so young, had so much of our lives still ahead of us. I somehow knew he wouldn’t come back, but all the boys back then believed they were invincible.”

“Why didn’t you try to stop him? If you knew he wouldn’t come back?”

“If I had asked him not to go, he would have stayed. He told me so and I know that is true. He would have stayed and lived with the regret of not going the rest of his life. He would have felt he had sold out, been a coward, betrayed something inside of him, had he stayed, even if he had stayed because I had wanted him to. Had he stayed he would have been less than who he was meant to be. I wouldn’t ever have asked him to do that.”

“I still think what could have been if I had gone back to the city before Maddie came here to bring me back. The dust wouldn’t have made her sick. Maybe she would still be alive.”

“My dear, dear friend, do you think she ever intended to not make her home here? If she really intended to bring you back, she wouldn’t have brought your boys all that way just to take ‘em all that way back again. Maddie lived the life she was meant to live. She loved it here with you and the boys. Remember those days now past and you will see it too.”

Jacob put his head back and stared up into the twilight sky, and he let it go, he finally let go of the burden of blame that he had carried for years. He had tried to find a reason for why she had to die and blaming himself and the dusty town gave him a certainty, a good reason to calm the uncertainty and blanket all the pain. Maddie was gone and it seemed to matter no longer why she was gone, she just was. Nothing he could say or do would bring her back. He needed to get past it and past himself. He wanted to tell Betty Lou all that just then, but any words he could find wouldn’t convey it all in just the right way, in any way that would make sense. He sighed.

“Jacob,” Betty Lou began, “it’s alright to live your life looking ahead and not looking back any more. Don’t cheat yourself or the ones you love. Live your life the way you were meant to live it. That was my hope for Jason and it’s my hope for you. It’s all gonna be alright, you’ll see.”

“Thank you Betty Lou, thank you. Sometimes I wonder what I would do without you.” And he put his head back again and stared up into the now darkened night sky where the moon was shining brightly.

Previous Episodes. Even If They Don’t Ride Horses Anymore
Aunt Daisy & Caleb. Episode 1
July 4th, 1900. Episode 2
Keepsakes. Episode 3
A Better Way. Episode 4
Unfinished Business. Episode 5
Looking Down That Road. Episode 6